Forget the Past at your Peril

George (actually Jorge) Santayana said "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it". Over the last few weeks my mind has been intensely focused on the past, and I have become more and more aware that I have been repeating my past ad nauseum. I have realized that I have lost a lot of the person I used to be and become someone else. And I have also realized that I miss that old person.

In the interest of not embarrassing myself or others, I will not give specific examples, but what I have learned from all this introspection is that I have made choices, mostly based on keeping my relationships, career, etc. running smoothly with the least possible conflict, that never really accomplished that goal. And yet I continued making the same choices over and over again. To make other choices always seemed to be inviting more conflict, and yet the conflict always seemed to present itself anyway. And it finally struck me what was wrong.

There were always other people making their own choices, people with their own self-interests. And they did not always share my desire to reduce conflict. I had continued to think that I could perform the same action and expect different results. This has been described as the definition of insanity (some say Einstein, some say Ben Franklin, who knows?). I had not learned from my past contacts and associations that being the peacemaker is not always possible. Neither is trying to make your case to people who are never willing to consider your case as valid.

So I have decided I need to slow down, be more considerate of how people have acted and reacted in the past. And as selfish as this sounds, I need to be more insistent that my views and feelings are valid. I intend to find and recapture the person that I used to be, but I expect it to be a journey. As the Chinese say, "A journey of a 1000 miles begins with a trip to the ATM." I may not be quoting that exactly right, but you get the idea.

I will be writing more as the trip progresses, so check back if you're at all interested. If your not, then I'll see you at the end.

My Siren

My soul is alone, adrift on a limitless sea. How many years have I followed the currents, going wherever the tides and wind would push me? Where is my landfall? Where is my home port? It seems like forever since I have had contact with another soul.

Until I hear the call. My once numb emotions are stirred by a tune, a simple melody. What is it? Where is it coming from? I must be getting nearer for it is louder now and more clear. Beautiful words, of a female voice, beautifully put together. What are they saying? The simple words should not stir this type of emotion, but they make me weak. I close my eyes and am awash in her song, consuming and desirable at the same time. I am drawn to seek this singer, in fact I can not resist.

I am captured by her song, a prisoner of her hold on my senses. Questions arise. Should I abandon the safety of my ship to go to this beauty? Can I even resist? And then all questions dissolve and there are no more doubts. I must seek this Siren at all costs. I must surrender my soul to this desire and allow it to become part of me. I am engulfed in her grasp upon my soul, unable to focus, adrift in a state of bliss until I am drained and powerless.

Poor Ulysses, his Odyssey echos the temptations so many men fall sway to. A temptation presents itself, whether it's a woman or anything else, and if he pursues it it could mean the destruction of everything he holds dear. Some men wander through life blind to such things until they jump up, full blown, and take the very breathe from their bodies. Other men believe that they have the strength and wit to survive the peril and follow the song to their downfall. Such men crash upon the rocks and take everything they love down with them.

Some men, like Ulysses, can see the trouble coming. They heed the warnings that others give them, that their own life experience provides. And they tie themselves to their own moral bearings and suffer, straining against the bonds they have put upon themselves, until the temptation subsides. The temptation doesn't pass, only the opportunity to indulge in it. But that will have to suffice.

To Wayback or Not to Wayback

I guess its human nature, at some point in our lives we wish we had a Wayback Machine that could take us back in time to relive some past event and undo the choices we made. We find ourselves wondering “what if I had done this” or “what if I had made this choice instead of that one”.

The past has a way of becoming more attractive with age. Things that seemed unpleasant or even downright terrible at the time the events occurred lose their edge with time. Looking back we tend to remember the good parts and let the bad parts fade from memory. I’m not talking about traumatic events, like rape or death, but about relationships gone bad, family squabbles about inconsequential matters that are never resolved, breakups with high school friends that caused you to lose touch. We tend to remember “the good ole’ days”, even when they weren’t that good the first time around.

And then there are those past events that you look back at and say “What the hell happened?” Why did my life change course so dramatically? Why did I make that decision if I can’t even remember the reason now? What if? Why then? Where would I be now?

But we can’t go back, and if we did we have to consider all of the things that we might, or probably would lose by taking that other course. Other friendships might never have been made, career paths could have been totally different, even children might not exist. So it’s definitely a good thing that time machines only exist in the SciFi world. I don’t believe human beings have the moral and ethical strength to resist the urge to misuse such a device.